Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen. Jude 24-25 ESV
I am one of those special people who can trip over my own two feet, or over nothing at all; I can fall up the stairs; I can break a nail just opening a door or getting dressed. I constantly have a bruise somewhere on my body that I don't actually recall getting, but since I bump into things all the time, I am never really surprised. (I love the idea of going to Pier 1 to shop, but that store inspires
great fear and trepidation in my heart because there's just too much
breakable stuff in there! You can imagine the anxiety I experienced a
few months back when I was working for an inventory company and I was
assigned to a Pier 1 event!) Not only that, but I can even manage to choke on air on a fairly regular basis. And I literally just dropped the laptop that I'm working on!
Ironically, my name means "full of grace". I know, huh? I've always been pretty amused by that too! I'm about as "grace-challenged" as they come!
But not only am I physically clumsy, I am a social/emotional/mental/spiritual klutz as well. I don't really enjoy social settings as I have a knack saying stupid things. In my mind, I am terribly funny, but somehow others don't always find my anecdotes all that amusing. Put me in a place where I need to make small talk, and I will leave beating myself up over the dumb and awkward things that came out of my mouth. I will have a long mental list of clever and/or witty things I could/should have said, but which will never be vocalized.
I think that's why Jude's simple closing spoke to me so profoundly this morning: Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling...
Wow! I know what a big job it is to keep ME from stumbling! To think that I serve a God who is able to keep me from stumbling... Well, it just means that there is hope! Because He is able to present me blameless... My God is big enough to handle not just my physical clumsiness, but all of it! He doesn't hold against me the times I've misstepped OR the times I've misspoken! He is bigger than all that.
And the Scripture says that it gives Him great joy... He is able to keep me from stumbling. He is able to present me blameless. And He does so with joy! That is a truly encouraging thought for this klutz today!
Now, I'm sure you are not nearly as clumsy as I am, but I hope you will still find encouragement in Jude's words today: our God is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy...!
.. Just a thought...
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Monday, December 28, 2015
The Right Thing
For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Romans 7:15-19
This passage is me, in a nutshell. It's not always about sin, per se, but I guess that is really what it boils down to.
I was up early this morning. VERY early (for me)! I had volunteered to take my husband to the airport for an early morning flight. For once, I was going to do the "smart" thing, and take advantage of those early morning hours. It all started off so well... I stopped at Walmart on the way home (and concluded that early morning is really the best time to go to Walmart if you're like me and don't like crowds!). Returning home, it was still earlier than I normally wake up, so there was the temptation to go back to bed for a while, but I resisted. I cleaned off the kitchen table, got out my Bible study, and dug in. Motivated, I followed that up with a pretty decent cleaning of the kitchen, clearing out leftovers from the fridge, washing up the dishes, gathering all the trash from around the house and taking it out along with the recyclables, then dragging it all down to the street as it is trash day. I started the laundry, checked my email, and had some breakfast. And this is where it all started to fall apart. The early morning started to catch up with me, and I began to feel sleepy. My plan was to exercise, but then I realized that I had time for a quick nap before it would be time to take my daughter to work... Since I'd had such a productive morning already, and I HAD been up extra early, I figured, "why not?"
I knew the answer to the "why not" - that quick morning nap would be harder to wake up from than just staying up in the first place. I KNOW that napping generally leaves me feeling more tired than I am before the nap. I KNOW that exercise energizes me and leaves me feeling better. I have experienced these things over and over, and yet, almost always, if faced with the option of a nap or a workout, I will choose the nap. Ridiculous!
I vocalized all this on our drive to my daughter's place of employment this morning - after I fought my way out of my nap coma. My daughter is very kind to let me just rant on a regular basis. I don't know how much she actually listens to what I'm saying... I really hope she tunes most of it out, or she must question my sanity at times!
But as I was bemoaning my tendency to choose what make me feel bad over what makes me feel good, I was reminded that the apostle Paul had expressed a similar insanity:
For I do not understand my own actions... For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.
Now I don't know that a nap is inherently evil, but there is a principle here that I think manifests itself in other ways in my life as well. And what it really boils down to is a lack of discipline on my part. It's learning to choose the BEST things over the GOOD things. And most certainly, always choosing what is RIGHT over what is WRONG. Or simply choosing to do what is RIGHT instead of doing NOTHING.
So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin. James 4:17
I'm not often tempted to do something blatantly wrong. I am the "good girl". I feel guilty if I look at the speedometer while driving and catch myself speeding. Lately, I've been struggling with the number of yellow lights I run! Lying, cheating, stealing... These are not now, nor have they every been real temptations for me. My struggle is with doing nothing. I am great on ideas, but not-so-great on implementation.
So here's what I'm realizing: doing the right thing for me is not really a matter of doing the RIGHT thing, so much as it is a matter of DOING the right thing...
Which is what I need to get busy doing right now!
... Just a thought...
This passage is me, in a nutshell. It's not always about sin, per se, but I guess that is really what it boils down to.
I was up early this morning. VERY early (for me)! I had volunteered to take my husband to the airport for an early morning flight. For once, I was going to do the "smart" thing, and take advantage of those early morning hours. It all started off so well... I stopped at Walmart on the way home (and concluded that early morning is really the best time to go to Walmart if you're like me and don't like crowds!). Returning home, it was still earlier than I normally wake up, so there was the temptation to go back to bed for a while, but I resisted. I cleaned off the kitchen table, got out my Bible study, and dug in. Motivated, I followed that up with a pretty decent cleaning of the kitchen, clearing out leftovers from the fridge, washing up the dishes, gathering all the trash from around the house and taking it out along with the recyclables, then dragging it all down to the street as it is trash day. I started the laundry, checked my email, and had some breakfast. And this is where it all started to fall apart. The early morning started to catch up with me, and I began to feel sleepy. My plan was to exercise, but then I realized that I had time for a quick nap before it would be time to take my daughter to work... Since I'd had such a productive morning already, and I HAD been up extra early, I figured, "why not?"
I knew the answer to the "why not" - that quick morning nap would be harder to wake up from than just staying up in the first place. I KNOW that napping generally leaves me feeling more tired than I am before the nap. I KNOW that exercise energizes me and leaves me feeling better. I have experienced these things over and over, and yet, almost always, if faced with the option of a nap or a workout, I will choose the nap. Ridiculous!
I vocalized all this on our drive to my daughter's place of employment this morning - after I fought my way out of my nap coma. My daughter is very kind to let me just rant on a regular basis. I don't know how much she actually listens to what I'm saying... I really hope she tunes most of it out, or she must question my sanity at times!
But as I was bemoaning my tendency to choose what make me feel bad over what makes me feel good, I was reminded that the apostle Paul had expressed a similar insanity:
For I do not understand my own actions... For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.
Now I don't know that a nap is inherently evil, but there is a principle here that I think manifests itself in other ways in my life as well. And what it really boils down to is a lack of discipline on my part. It's learning to choose the BEST things over the GOOD things. And most certainly, always choosing what is RIGHT over what is WRONG. Or simply choosing to do what is RIGHT instead of doing NOTHING.
So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin. James 4:17
I'm not often tempted to do something blatantly wrong. I am the "good girl". I feel guilty if I look at the speedometer while driving and catch myself speeding. Lately, I've been struggling with the number of yellow lights I run! Lying, cheating, stealing... These are not now, nor have they every been real temptations for me. My struggle is with doing nothing. I am great on ideas, but not-so-great on implementation.
So here's what I'm realizing: doing the right thing for me is not really a matter of doing the RIGHT thing, so much as it is a matter of DOING the right thing...
Which is what I need to get busy doing right now!
... Just a thought...
Friday, December 4, 2015
The Kind of Wife I Want To Be
An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. Proverbs 31:10-12
I just kissed my son goodnight, and I find myself wondering when, if ever, I will have this opportunity again...
He leaves tomorrow to return to the mission field... far away. That is where God has called him, and while I never want to stand in the way of my son following the Lord, I am sad that he is going away. His visit has been wonderful, and entirely too short. But really, it could never be long enough to satisfy this mama's heart. And so I am thankful...
Thankful for
And it hits me like a ton of bricks!
Am I being the wife to my husband that I pray my future daughter-in-law will someday be to my son?
The answer shames me.
I often see the memes on Facebook challenging men to show their daughters how a lady deserves to be treated, and I "amen" those challenges very loudly in my head. But where is the call for women to demonstrate for their sons how a woman should treat a man? Maybe we think we don't need reminding because it's so easy to love our sons? But what about our husbands? Not always so easy...
I confess I have not done a very good job on this front. I have failed on so many levels to show my son how a man deserves to be treated. I have failed to show my daughter how a wife should treat her husband. Sure, I've modeled commitment... most of the time. Love, sacrifice, patience... all at times. I could justify all those other times - when I was impatient, unloving, selfish, critical - except that there is no justification.
Because what I am coming to understand this night is that everything I pray my son will someday find in his wife - those are the qualities my husband deserves in his wife. Which means I have work to do!
It's a matter of perspective - a perspective I had never considered...
And it is...
Just a thought...
I just kissed my son goodnight, and I find myself wondering when, if ever, I will have this opportunity again...
He leaves tomorrow to return to the mission field... far away. That is where God has called him, and while I never want to stand in the way of my son following the Lord, I am sad that he is going away. His visit has been wonderful, and entirely too short. But really, it could never be long enough to satisfy this mama's heart. And so I am thankful...
Thankful for
- the days we've had
- places we've gone
- the movies we've watched
- the games we've played
- the meals we've shared
- the laughter
- the late nights
- the hugs
- and one last night to kiss his head and rub his back after he already dozed off halfway through the movie and right in the middle of a game of Mexican Train.
And it hits me like a ton of bricks!
Am I being the wife to my husband that I pray my future daughter-in-law will someday be to my son?
The answer shames me.
I often see the memes on Facebook challenging men to show their daughters how a lady deserves to be treated, and I "amen" those challenges very loudly in my head. But where is the call for women to demonstrate for their sons how a woman should treat a man? Maybe we think we don't need reminding because it's so easy to love our sons? But what about our husbands? Not always so easy...
I confess I have not done a very good job on this front. I have failed on so many levels to show my son how a man deserves to be treated. I have failed to show my daughter how a wife should treat her husband. Sure, I've modeled commitment... most of the time. Love, sacrifice, patience... all at times. I could justify all those other times - when I was impatient, unloving, selfish, critical - except that there is no justification.
Because what I am coming to understand this night is that everything I pray my son will someday find in his wife - those are the qualities my husband deserves in his wife. Which means I have work to do!
It's a matter of perspective - a perspective I had never considered...
And it is...
Just a thought...
Monday, November 2, 2015
When You're Really Out of Shape
Have nothing to do with irreverent, silly myths. Rather train yourself for godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come. 1 Timothy 4:7-8 ESV
Return, O Israel, to the Lord your God, for you have stumbled because of your iniquity. Take with you words and return to the Lord; say to him,“Take away all iniquity; accept what is good, and we will pay with bulls the vows of our lips. Hosea 14:1-2 ESV
Confession: I have gotten out of shape. Really out of shape!
Here's the thing - I knew I was out of shape, but I had no idea how badly out of shape I was. Not until I began trying to improve my condition did I realize how hard it was going to be.
Over the past few years, I have done a little physical exercise. I have occasionally gone for a "run" either on a treadmill or outside. (By run, I mean short periods of slow jogging sandwiched between longer periods of walking - not "Chariots of Fire" running!) Every now and then I have even tried to do a little strength training. Sometimes I've even worked out for several consecutive days. Because I had done a little occasional exercise, I figured I was doing "okay" - better than a lot of folks do.
But I recently decided it was time to try to put in a little more effort. I tried "running" for a few days. I noticed that I was a little slower than I used to be and got winded a little quicker, but I wasn't all that surprised. I expected to see gradual improvement, and figured I'd soon be in decent shape. Because of weather, getting out to run was becoming difficult, so I decided to pull out some old workout videos and work out at home. I tried one that I had purchased at a thrift store a while back, and it went pretty well, supporting my false sense of my actual condition. So after a couple of days, I was short on time, so I went with my old standard video I used when I just wanted to get in a quick workout... And reality slapped me in the face! I was sweating like crazy just a couple of minutes into my ten minute workout; I couldn't do even one push-up correctly; I only managed about half the expected number of repetitions on most of the exercises. It was pathetic!
Sadly, the same has been true of my spiritual condition. By going through the motions of church attendance, reading a Bible verse or two every morning, listening to Christian music, and occasionally reading a book by a Christian author, I was able to convince myself that I was doing "okay" spiritually. But as I have tried returning to some of my old spiritual "exercises," it has become clear that I have gotten very "out of shape". Things that used to be second nature - Bible study, consistent prayer, a meaningful quiet time - now require much more effort and focus. It's just not as easy as it used to be.
I am working diligently at getting into better shape - both spiritually and physically. Since I did not get out of shape overnight, I am certain that I won't get back into shape instantly. I am blessed to have a very flexible schedule right now that is affording me the luxury of taking my time at studying the Bible each morning. After that I'm able to get in a physical workout. It is my great prayer that I will be able to firmly re-establish good spiritual disciplines during this time that will continue when life gets busier again.
I hope you find yourself in peak condition, but if not, there's no better day to begin a new shape-up plan than today. It's nothing too profound today, but it is...
...Just a thought...
Return, O Israel, to the Lord your God, for you have stumbled because of your iniquity. Take with you words and return to the Lord; say to him,“Take away all iniquity; accept what is good, and we will pay with bulls the vows of our lips. Hosea 14:1-2 ESV
Confession: I have gotten out of shape. Really out of shape!
Here's the thing - I knew I was out of shape, but I had no idea how badly out of shape I was. Not until I began trying to improve my condition did I realize how hard it was going to be.
Over the past few years, I have done a little physical exercise. I have occasionally gone for a "run" either on a treadmill or outside. (By run, I mean short periods of slow jogging sandwiched between longer periods of walking - not "Chariots of Fire" running!) Every now and then I have even tried to do a little strength training. Sometimes I've even worked out for several consecutive days. Because I had done a little occasional exercise, I figured I was doing "okay" - better than a lot of folks do.
But I recently decided it was time to try to put in a little more effort. I tried "running" for a few days. I noticed that I was a little slower than I used to be and got winded a little quicker, but I wasn't all that surprised. I expected to see gradual improvement, and figured I'd soon be in decent shape. Because of weather, getting out to run was becoming difficult, so I decided to pull out some old workout videos and work out at home. I tried one that I had purchased at a thrift store a while back, and it went pretty well, supporting my false sense of my actual condition. So after a couple of days, I was short on time, so I went with my old standard video I used when I just wanted to get in a quick workout... And reality slapped me in the face! I was sweating like crazy just a couple of minutes into my ten minute workout; I couldn't do even one push-up correctly; I only managed about half the expected number of repetitions on most of the exercises. It was pathetic!
Sadly, the same has been true of my spiritual condition. By going through the motions of church attendance, reading a Bible verse or two every morning, listening to Christian music, and occasionally reading a book by a Christian author, I was able to convince myself that I was doing "okay" spiritually. But as I have tried returning to some of my old spiritual "exercises," it has become clear that I have gotten very "out of shape". Things that used to be second nature - Bible study, consistent prayer, a meaningful quiet time - now require much more effort and focus. It's just not as easy as it used to be.
I am working diligently at getting into better shape - both spiritually and physically. Since I did not get out of shape overnight, I am certain that I won't get back into shape instantly. I am blessed to have a very flexible schedule right now that is affording me the luxury of taking my time at studying the Bible each morning. After that I'm able to get in a physical workout. It is my great prayer that I will be able to firmly re-establish good spiritual disciplines during this time that will continue when life gets busier again.
I hope you find yourself in peak condition, but if not, there's no better day to begin a new shape-up plan than today. It's nothing too profound today, but it is...
...Just a thought...
Sunday, June 28, 2015
To Be Both a Christian and an American
Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment. Romans 13:1-2
It's less than a week until the 4th of July - Independence Day. To me, this day will always bring thoughts of Lee Greenwood's classic "I'm Proud To Be an American," but I confess that I feel differently this year. I'm not really sure that I AM proud to be an American anymore.
With multiple happenings over the course of the past few days, I am more convinced than ever that the America I want to claim as home no longer exists. I am at once saddened and disgusted and angered by our out-of-control government. And if I am going to be truthful here, I must also admit I'm a little frightened at what I'm seeing. It's not that I believe any of this is out of God's control, but there will be consequences to our country - unpleasant ones - and I do not relish that thought at all.
As a Christian, I know that God's Word has much to say about how we are to relate to governing authorities. I have only posted a couple of verses from Romans 13 above, but that chapter, as well as other biblical passages, give us some very specific instructions on how we are to submit to the government.
In biblical times, the governments that existed were of an imperial nature - the heads of government were "rulers" (kings, emperors, etc.) and the people were their "subjects". These were clearly defined roles. Obedience to the authority was the requirement of the people. It was akin to the relationship between slave and master. Thus, submission to rulers (and to masters, as well) was a key topic of Scripture with regard to Christian living.
Jump forward a good many years and you find a people who leave their homelands to set up a new country where they can worship freely and have input into the governing system. (This is a bit of a simplification, I realize, but my goal here is not a history lesson, per se.) Enter the United States of America. Here is a nation set up with a government that is designed to be run by the people, for the people... With systems of checks and balances to prevent any one person or group of people from exercising too much power... Based on regular and timely votes by the people who were electing their peers to speak on their behalf in the government.
Herein lies my dilemma: I am struggling to reconcile my responsibilities as a Christian with my duties as an American in this current political environment.
Ours is not a government that I am by definition "subject to" but rather a government that I am "responsible for". This does not mean that I am entitled to break the law, but it does mean that if I find a law to be wrong, I am duty-bound to speak against it, and to do what is in my power to have it changed. And if the government officials are not doing what our Constitution requires of them, as a citizen of this nation, I have an obligation to do what I can to see that those officials are removed from power. I cannot wrap my brain around exactly what that means. But I know that from the founders of this nation, I have been given this responsibility.
From the Declaration of Independence:
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. (emphasis mine)
I don't have any answers here today. What I have is a lot of questions. I do know that I find it more and more torturous daily to read the news, yet I find it more and more important. I feel a strong sense of urgency about what is happening in our nation. All I know to do is to seek God in His Word and in prayer, and I pray that whatever He calls me to do, I will be ready.
They may be a little jumbled today, but these are...
Just some thoughts...
It's less than a week until the 4th of July - Independence Day. To me, this day will always bring thoughts of Lee Greenwood's classic "I'm Proud To Be an American," but I confess that I feel differently this year. I'm not really sure that I AM proud to be an American anymore.
With multiple happenings over the course of the past few days, I am more convinced than ever that the America I want to claim as home no longer exists. I am at once saddened and disgusted and angered by our out-of-control government. And if I am going to be truthful here, I must also admit I'm a little frightened at what I'm seeing. It's not that I believe any of this is out of God's control, but there will be consequences to our country - unpleasant ones - and I do not relish that thought at all.
As a Christian, I know that God's Word has much to say about how we are to relate to governing authorities. I have only posted a couple of verses from Romans 13 above, but that chapter, as well as other biblical passages, give us some very specific instructions on how we are to submit to the government.
In biblical times, the governments that existed were of an imperial nature - the heads of government were "rulers" (kings, emperors, etc.) and the people were their "subjects". These were clearly defined roles. Obedience to the authority was the requirement of the people. It was akin to the relationship between slave and master. Thus, submission to rulers (and to masters, as well) was a key topic of Scripture with regard to Christian living.
Jump forward a good many years and you find a people who leave their homelands to set up a new country where they can worship freely and have input into the governing system. (This is a bit of a simplification, I realize, but my goal here is not a history lesson, per se.) Enter the United States of America. Here is a nation set up with a government that is designed to be run by the people, for the people... With systems of checks and balances to prevent any one person or group of people from exercising too much power... Based on regular and timely votes by the people who were electing their peers to speak on their behalf in the government.
Herein lies my dilemma: I am struggling to reconcile my responsibilities as a Christian with my duties as an American in this current political environment.
Ours is not a government that I am by definition "subject to" but rather a government that I am "responsible for". This does not mean that I am entitled to break the law, but it does mean that if I find a law to be wrong, I am duty-bound to speak against it, and to do what is in my power to have it changed. And if the government officials are not doing what our Constitution requires of them, as a citizen of this nation, I have an obligation to do what I can to see that those officials are removed from power. I cannot wrap my brain around exactly what that means. But I know that from the founders of this nation, I have been given this responsibility.
From the Declaration of Independence:
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. (emphasis mine)
I don't have any answers here today. What I have is a lot of questions. I do know that I find it more and more torturous daily to read the news, yet I find it more and more important. I feel a strong sense of urgency about what is happening in our nation. All I know to do is to seek God in His Word and in prayer, and I pray that whatever He calls me to do, I will be ready.
They may be a little jumbled today, but these are...
Just some thoughts...
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
A Hope and a Prayer... And a Whisper
“Go out and stand before me on the mountain,” the Lord told him. And as Elijah stood there, the Lord passed by, and a mighty windstorm hit the mountain. It was such a terrible blast that the rocks were torn loose, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake there was a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle whisper. 1 Kings 19:11-12
Can I just be transparent today? That's a lot like being invisible, right? You may have noticed (or maybe not, since I don't know if anybody reads this blog anymore, lol), but I haven't been here a lot over the past few years. I haven't really felt like I had anything to say - or at least not anything uplifting and encouraging. I think I've wandered through a couple of times with some questioning posts, but mostly I've opted to stay silent.
It was not so long ago that I found myself in Christian leadership. I was teaching, speaking, singing, writing, encouraging... And lots more. I knew that I was fulfilling God's calling on my life. But it was also my job. Even during the years when I was "just" the minister's wife, it was still my job to act/speak/live with a certain level of spiritual maturity.
I confess to you that since leaving vocational ministry, my walk with the Lord has not been what it once was. This bothers me. It confuses me. And at my very core - it frightens me! I never felt that my quiet times, or hours in Bible study, or prayer times - I never connected any of that with my "job." I always just felt that was part of life. It was just a natural part of living in relationship with Jesus Christ.
So what I can't quite figure out is, "What happened?"
How did I go from where I was to where I am spiritually? And where did God go along the way? What happened to the closeness I once felt to Him, and will I ever have that again?
In my head... I know the answers to all of these questions. I've shared these answers with struggling sisters over the years, and I know that they are as true now as they were then. I know this. But really, I don't feel anything. It's like I am spiritually numb.
And I am spiritually deaf. I do not hear God speaking as I once did. I do not believe that He has gone silent, but it's like I can't hear Him anymore. I worry that I've forgotten what His voice sounds like, and that maybe when He does speak I won't recognize that it's Him.
Which is kind of what brings me back to this blog.
Since leaving the road and full-time ministry, I have struggled with finding gainful employment. There just isn't really a category on any job search for "former itinerant children's evangelist," and it seems that no matter what spin I put on the ridiculously long list of things I did in my former role, there is just no job in the "real world" that parallels that. Even when I find what looks like the perfect position (office help for the company that designs sets for children's ministries, for example), I cannot seem to land the job (or even get an interview). So I have taken on any work that I can get hired to do. Because that is what responsible people do - they work at whatever they have to in order to try to make sure that their bills are paid and their families are provided for. But in the midst of all this, the question that continually comes up is, "What do you want to do?" I ask myself this question daily, and I struggle to find the answer. Frankly, I have done what I wanted to do. I have married and raised incredible children and travelled and been active in ministry. These things were hard in and of themselves, and they did not necessarily occur in the way or time that I expected that they would, but they happened, and I have been so blessed!
So what now? That is the million dollar question! Well, really it's more like the hundred dollar question - or maybe thousand, since the bills seem never-ending! But seriously - what now? The thing that I have always done and always wanted to do is to write and to create. And this little voice inside me says, "So why aren't you doing it?" I think I know that little Voice... But I feel like I don't really know how to write and to create anymore. I am weary and busy and overwhelmed by life. I have a job - two, in fact - but that is not sufficient for what it costs just to live - so to indulge in writing and creating feels like too much of a luxury.
"Write."
Write what? I have nothing useful to say. Who do I write for? Where? When?
But here I am. Not because I have anything to say, but because I pray that in the writing I am at least walking in obedience... I am in motion, even if I do not know where I am going... And if you are reading this, I hope you will not judge or pity... Because for me this is a start.
If I can finally begin to hear a whisper, and if I can take a step, no matter how small, then, perhaps, there is still purpose. Beyond the earning of the paycheck and the paying of the bills and the trying just to survive, maybe - just maybe - brighter days are coming.
Today it's not...
...Just a thought...
It is a hope and a prayer and a confidence that the God in whom I trust has not changed and will not change! And He's got this all under control.
Can I just be transparent today? That's a lot like being invisible, right? You may have noticed (or maybe not, since I don't know if anybody reads this blog anymore, lol), but I haven't been here a lot over the past few years. I haven't really felt like I had anything to say - or at least not anything uplifting and encouraging. I think I've wandered through a couple of times with some questioning posts, but mostly I've opted to stay silent.
It was not so long ago that I found myself in Christian leadership. I was teaching, speaking, singing, writing, encouraging... And lots more. I knew that I was fulfilling God's calling on my life. But it was also my job. Even during the years when I was "just" the minister's wife, it was still my job to act/speak/live with a certain level of spiritual maturity.
I confess to you that since leaving vocational ministry, my walk with the Lord has not been what it once was. This bothers me. It confuses me. And at my very core - it frightens me! I never felt that my quiet times, or hours in Bible study, or prayer times - I never connected any of that with my "job." I always just felt that was part of life. It was just a natural part of living in relationship with Jesus Christ.
So what I can't quite figure out is, "What happened?"
How did I go from where I was to where I am spiritually? And where did God go along the way? What happened to the closeness I once felt to Him, and will I ever have that again?
In my head... I know the answers to all of these questions. I've shared these answers with struggling sisters over the years, and I know that they are as true now as they were then. I know this. But really, I don't feel anything. It's like I am spiritually numb.
And I am spiritually deaf. I do not hear God speaking as I once did. I do not believe that He has gone silent, but it's like I can't hear Him anymore. I worry that I've forgotten what His voice sounds like, and that maybe when He does speak I won't recognize that it's Him.
Which is kind of what brings me back to this blog.
Since leaving the road and full-time ministry, I have struggled with finding gainful employment. There just isn't really a category on any job search for "former itinerant children's evangelist," and it seems that no matter what spin I put on the ridiculously long list of things I did in my former role, there is just no job in the "real world" that parallels that. Even when I find what looks like the perfect position (office help for the company that designs sets for children's ministries, for example), I cannot seem to land the job (or even get an interview). So I have taken on any work that I can get hired to do. Because that is what responsible people do - they work at whatever they have to in order to try to make sure that their bills are paid and their families are provided for. But in the midst of all this, the question that continually comes up is, "What do you want to do?" I ask myself this question daily, and I struggle to find the answer. Frankly, I have done what I wanted to do. I have married and raised incredible children and travelled and been active in ministry. These things were hard in and of themselves, and they did not necessarily occur in the way or time that I expected that they would, but they happened, and I have been so blessed!
So what now? That is the million dollar question! Well, really it's more like the hundred dollar question - or maybe thousand, since the bills seem never-ending! But seriously - what now? The thing that I have always done and always wanted to do is to write and to create. And this little voice inside me says, "So why aren't you doing it?" I think I know that little Voice... But I feel like I don't really know how to write and to create anymore. I am weary and busy and overwhelmed by life. I have a job - two, in fact - but that is not sufficient for what it costs just to live - so to indulge in writing and creating feels like too much of a luxury.
"Write."
Write what? I have nothing useful to say. Who do I write for? Where? When?
But here I am. Not because I have anything to say, but because I pray that in the writing I am at least walking in obedience... I am in motion, even if I do not know where I am going... And if you are reading this, I hope you will not judge or pity... Because for me this is a start.
If I can finally begin to hear a whisper, and if I can take a step, no matter how small, then, perhaps, there is still purpose. Beyond the earning of the paycheck and the paying of the bills and the trying just to survive, maybe - just maybe - brighter days are coming.
Today it's not...
...Just a thought...
It is a hope and a prayer and a confidence that the God in whom I trust has not changed and will not change! And He's got this all under control.
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Just a Mom Moment
My child, if your heart is wise, my own heart will rejoice! Everything in me will celebrate when you speak what is right. The father of godly children has cause for joy... What a pleasure to have children who are wise. So give your father and mother joy! May she who gave you birth be happy. Proverbs 23:15-16, 24-25
A couple of weeks ago my daughter and I were talking about her day at work. This has been an interesting experience for her, as after years of being homeschooled and very well "churched," she finds herself the only Christian at her place of employment. I am thrilled at how she is stepping up, and though it means that going to work requires extra effort from her, she is standing firm on her principles.
But as we were talking recently about her day, a topic came up that was at once both encouraging and disturbing. Evidently, the subject of mother-daughter relationships had come up at work. There was apparently much discussion of how the other female employees fight constantly with their mothers, and look on their parents with disdain. When asked, "Well, you and your mom fight, don't you?" my daughter was beautifully confused at the concept. Not that she didn't understand the idea, but it was just a very foreign thought. It was something neither of us has ever really thought about. Apparently another worker commented to the effect that, "Yeah, she'd probably kill you, huh?" as if the only reason a daughter would not fight with her mother would be out of fear.
Now, I would not suggest that we "have it all together" by any means. But as I conversed with my daughter, one thing became very clear to me - I have taken for granted the blessing of my relationship with my children. I truly cannot imagine one of my children acting out in defiance. And I have not been able to get this out of my head since. I am so incredibly blessed!
As we talked that day, all I could think of was the heartbreak the mothers of those other girls must experience. And how broken our society is. Among the group in the discussion, fighting was considered the norm, while a loving, respectful relationship was odd.
My daughter and I don't fight. We don't always agree, but we don't fight. I mean, seriously - I don't even always agree with myself! How could I possibly always agree with another person?!
But I am also not my daughter's best friend. We enjoy doing things together. We share a lot of the same interests. We watch movies, play games, and really enjoy each other's company. But we are not best friends. I am her MOTHER. She is my DAUGHTER. That is so much better than a friendship! And so much deeper.
It is my prayer that I will always enjoy such close relationship with my children. I know that things will change as they grow older. Change is the one constant in life, after all.
Older, "wiser" friends used to tell me, "Just wait until your kids are teenagers - then you'll see!" Well... I'm still waiting (and they are almost through being teenagers). And what I've learned is this: it doesn't have to be that way.
So my encouragement today is a simple one: cherish the moments with the family God has given you. Whatever stage of life your children are in - enjoy them! Invest in them! And by all means - PARENT them! And in the midst of the struggles and the hard days that will surely come, LOVE them.
It's not a complicated thought today, but it is what it is...
It's...
Just a thought...
A couple of weeks ago my daughter and I were talking about her day at work. This has been an interesting experience for her, as after years of being homeschooled and very well "churched," she finds herself the only Christian at her place of employment. I am thrilled at how she is stepping up, and though it means that going to work requires extra effort from her, she is standing firm on her principles.
But as we were talking recently about her day, a topic came up that was at once both encouraging and disturbing. Evidently, the subject of mother-daughter relationships had come up at work. There was apparently much discussion of how the other female employees fight constantly with their mothers, and look on their parents with disdain. When asked, "Well, you and your mom fight, don't you?" my daughter was beautifully confused at the concept. Not that she didn't understand the idea, but it was just a very foreign thought. It was something neither of us has ever really thought about. Apparently another worker commented to the effect that, "Yeah, she'd probably kill you, huh?" as if the only reason a daughter would not fight with her mother would be out of fear.
Now, I would not suggest that we "have it all together" by any means. But as I conversed with my daughter, one thing became very clear to me - I have taken for granted the blessing of my relationship with my children. I truly cannot imagine one of my children acting out in defiance. And I have not been able to get this out of my head since. I am so incredibly blessed!
As we talked that day, all I could think of was the heartbreak the mothers of those other girls must experience. And how broken our society is. Among the group in the discussion, fighting was considered the norm, while a loving, respectful relationship was odd.
My daughter and I don't fight. We don't always agree, but we don't fight. I mean, seriously - I don't even always agree with myself! How could I possibly always agree with another person?!
But I am also not my daughter's best friend. We enjoy doing things together. We share a lot of the same interests. We watch movies, play games, and really enjoy each other's company. But we are not best friends. I am her MOTHER. She is my DAUGHTER. That is so much better than a friendship! And so much deeper.
It is my prayer that I will always enjoy such close relationship with my children. I know that things will change as they grow older. Change is the one constant in life, after all.
Older, "wiser" friends used to tell me, "Just wait until your kids are teenagers - then you'll see!" Well... I'm still waiting (and they are almost through being teenagers). And what I've learned is this: it doesn't have to be that way.
So my encouragement today is a simple one: cherish the moments with the family God has given you. Whatever stage of life your children are in - enjoy them! Invest in them! And by all means - PARENT them! And in the midst of the struggles and the hard days that will surely come, LOVE them.
It's not a complicated thought today, but it is what it is...
It's...
Just a thought...
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