A Hope and a Prayer... And a Whisper

“Go out and stand before me on the mountain,” the Lord told him. And as Elijah stood there, the Lord passed by, and a mighty windstorm hit the mountain. It was such a terrible blast that the rocks were torn loose, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake.   And after the earthquake there was a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle whisper.  1 Kings 19:11-12


Can I just be transparent today?  That's a lot like being invisible, right?  You may have noticed (or maybe not, since I don't know if anybody reads this blog anymore, lol), but I haven't been here a lot over the past few years.  I haven't really felt like I had anything to say - or at least not anything uplifting and encouraging.  I think I've wandered through a couple of times with some questioning posts, but mostly I've opted to stay silent.


It was not so long ago that I found myself in Christian leadership.  I was teaching, speaking, singing, writing, encouraging... And lots more.  I knew that I was fulfilling God's calling on my life.  But it was also my job.  Even during the years when I was "just" the minister's wife, it was still my job to act/speak/live with a certain level of spiritual maturity. 


I confess to you that since leaving vocational ministry, my walk with the Lord has not been what it once was.  This bothers me.  It confuses me.  And at my very core - it frightens me!  I never felt that my quiet times, or hours in Bible study, or prayer times - I never connected any of that with my "job."  I always just felt that was part of life.  It was just a natural part of living in relationship with Jesus Christ. 


So what I can't quite figure out is,  "What happened?"


How did I go from where I was to where I am spiritually? And where did God go along the way?  What happened to the closeness I once felt to Him, and will I ever have that again?


In my head... I know the answers to all of these questions.  I've shared these answers with struggling sisters over the years, and I know that they are as true now as they were then.  I know this.  But really, I don't feel anything.  It's like I am spiritually numb.


And I am spiritually deaf.  I do not hear God speaking as I once did.  I do not believe that He has gone silent, but it's like I can't hear Him anymore.  I worry that I've forgotten what His voice sounds like, and that maybe when He does speak I won't recognize that it's Him.


Which is kind of what brings me back to this blog. 


Since leaving the road and full-time ministry, I have struggled with finding gainful employment.  There just isn't really a category on any job search for "former itinerant children's evangelist," and it seems that no matter what spin I put on the ridiculously long list of things I did in my former role, there is just no job in the "real world" that parallels that.  Even when I find what looks like the perfect position (office help for the company that designs sets for children's ministries, for example), I cannot seem to land the job (or even get an interview).  So I have taken on any work that I can get hired to do.  Because that is what responsible people do - they work at whatever they have to in order to try to make sure that their bills are paid and their families are provided for.  But in the midst of all this, the question that continually comes up is, "What do you want to do?" I ask myself this question daily, and I struggle to find the answer.  Frankly, I have done what I wanted to do.  I have married and raised incredible children and travelled and been active in ministry.  These things were hard in and of themselves, and they did not necessarily occur in the way or time that I expected that they would, but they happened, and I have been so blessed! 


So what now?  That is the million dollar question!  Well, really it's more like the hundred dollar question - or maybe thousand, since the bills seem never-ending!  But seriously - what now?  The thing that I have always done and always wanted to do is to write and to create.  And this little voice inside me says, "So why aren't you doing it?"  I think I know that little Voice...  But I feel like I don't really know how to write and to create anymore.  I am weary and busy and overwhelmed by life.  I have a job - two, in fact - but that is not sufficient for what it costs just to live - so to indulge in writing and creating feels like too much of a luxury.


"Write."


Write what? I have nothing useful to say.  Who do I write for?  Where? When?


But here I am.  Not because I have anything to say, but because I pray that in the writing I am at least walking in obedience...  I am in motion, even if I do not know where I am going...  And if you are reading this, I hope you will not judge or pity...  Because for me this is a start.


If I can finally begin to hear a whisper, and if I can take a step, no matter how small, then, perhaps, there is still purpose.  Beyond the earning of the paycheck and the paying of the bills and the trying just to survive, maybe - just maybe - brighter days are coming.


Today it's not...


...Just a thought...


It is a hope and a prayer and a confidence that the God in whom I trust has not changed and will not change!  And He's got this all under control.