My Right Hand

For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.”     Isaiah 41:13 ESV

As I opened to the “verse of the day” this morning, I was initially very encouraged by it.  The introductory question was about fear and anxiety.  Which is pretty much me in a nutshell so much of the time, including this morning before I opened my Bible app and began to read.

It’s a strange time in my story.  If you know me, you know that it’s ALWAYS a strange time in my story, lol!  But I’m calling this the season of “I don’t know.”  Because I just don’t.  I feel like I don’t know anything.  I’m at odds with my situation, myself, my feelings… everything, it seems…

I don’t know if it’s because of the circumstances at work that radically changed our lives a couple of months ago.  It could just be that the world is in such turmoil at the moment that everything feels uncertain.  Maybe it’s just that I have this predisposition toward overthinking everything, and therefore little things are magnified and big things look insurmountable.  Probably it’s all of this together.

So, when the introduction to the verse of the day said, “Imagine God speaking today’s verse over you,” and I read Isaiah 41:13, I breathed a little sigh of relief.  It was one of those “exactly what I needed in the moment” experiences.  The girl that did the little video story to go with today’s verse was right on target, so much so that I went to look up who she was (she’s a singer, it turns out).  The devotional passage that followed was just what I needed to read.  It was all just… good.  Encouraging.

I kind of closed my eyes and imagined God holding my hand, and that just felt really good and comforting. 

Then I went back and read it again, and it made me a little uncomfortable.  The verse doesn’t just say that God holds my hand.  It said that He holds my RIGHT hand.  When I paused for that mental picture, it stirred up different emotions in me.  So I stopped to consider why. 

I love it when I’m walking with my husband and he holds my hand.  Sometimes we’ll just be sitting, watching a movie, or even driving down the road, and we’re holding hands.  And that makes me feel loved, and safe.  But here’s what I realized – Jeff always holds my LEFT hand.  He’s left-handed; I’m right-handed.  It’s convenient that we still have freedom in our dominant hands while holding each other with the weaker hand. 

I suspect that I am responsible for this.  Truthfully, I am the one who often reaches for his hand.  In my mind, it is a loving and romantic gesture.  As I consider it this morning though, I fear that it may point to a character flaw of mine – the craving for control.  I don’t want control in the traditional sense that I think of people as being “controlling.”  I have no desire to control my husband or the people around me.  I do, however, feel the need to control myself, my life, my feelings, my emotions and circumstances.  I dismiss this under the guise of “personal responsibility,” but in fact, it goes much deeper.

When I pictured God holding my RIGHT hand – for a split-second – I felt trapped.  Crazy, huh?! 

But this is such a startling illustration of my turmoil in this season of “I don’t know.”  I see tiny little me trying to wring my hand away from the great big loving God Who is trying to take care of me.  He’s trying to lead and guide me, and I’m pulling a three-year-old move, collapsing into a little ball as if my feather-weight will somehow free me from His grasp.

I don’t want Him to let go.  But apparently, I’m kind of afraid to go His way. 

I feel like I need my right hand free, because it’s my strong hand.  That’s the one I write with.  It’s the hand that shifts the gears in my car and gets the lids off the pickle jar.  It’s the hand I use to hold my coffee mug and to pour the sweet tea.  It’s the hand I text with! (I’m too old to learn how to text with two hands!)

If God has my right hand, He has control.

That’s what I want.  Isn’t it?

My husband often tells me, “You need to disconnect your brain.”  I don’t really know how to do that.  I’m not really comfortable with that idea.  And yet, that is exactly what is necessary.

I am to give God my right hand, and stop resisting.  He knows what He’s doing.  He knows where we’re going.  It will be good.  It will probably also be hard, but it needn’t be so hard FOR ME.  That’s why He wants my right hand.  He’s going to do the heavy lifting.  I’ll do my token part with my weaker hand, because it’s not about what I can do.  I’m not supposed to be the strong one in this relationship.

And so, one more read-through of the verse of the day, and I’m feeling comforted.  When God says, “Fear not,” I think that means that I’m supposed to not fear.  Complicated, huh?  I just need to stop dragging my feet and walk confidently where He leads.

I may not know exactly where we’re going or how we’re going to get there.  As long as God’s got my right hand, I guess I don’t have to know.  I just have to go.

… Just a thought…