The words of Agur son of Jakeh. The oracle. The man declares, I am weary, O God; I am weary, O God, and worn out. Surely I am too stupid to be a man. I have not the understanding of a man. I have not learned wisdom, nor have I knowledge of the Holy One. Proverbs 30:1-3 ESV
That proverb pretty much sums up how I’ve been feeling.
There’s no good reason for how I’m feeling; hence, the “stupid” part seems especially applicable. I’ve been enjoying a reasonably restful season, physically, at least. My mind, on the other hand, is weary from working overtime. That’s not unusual.
We just enjoyed a wonderful – though stressful – bit of family time. My son, his wife, and my grandson, who I hadn’t seen in over a year, came for an all-too-brief visit to the US. Since visits are rare, I felt compelled to gather the immediate family from where they were scattered, and with just couple of flights and far too much driving, I succeeded.
I always have visions of happy gatherings in the family home, with laughter and conversations as we work together in the kitchen, sit around the table sharing meals, and enjoy a nice board game or similar activity in the living room. The problem is, there’s no family home. We live in a one bedroom travel trailer in a 55+ RV park, and though we don’t technically qualify to live there just yet, they had space available for a few months. It’s quiet there, and we enjoy the relative peace our little house affords. Most of the time.
Our home is not the most suitable place for six adults and a toddler to have a pleasant visit for any length of time. It’s summer in Florida, and that means rain most afternoons. We live near the water, so that means mosquitoes. And it’s too hot to be outside for any length of time anyway.
So, as soon as we found out the kids were coming in from Brazil, I frantically began looking for a “family home” we could adopt (rent) for a few weeks. I quickly discovered that such places rent for substantially more than we make, so that part of the dream fizzled out pretty quickly. Sort of. It should have. But, me being me, I still spent many of my waking moments conducting yet another web search to see if I could find a suitable gathering space. I never found such a space.
Nonetheless, I was able to convince my daughter to take time off from work and make a seven hour drive down to see her brother and finally meet her nephew. I convinced my mother to take time off from work to make a much longer trip down to see her grandson and finally meet her great-grandson. I flew to North Carolina to make the drive with her.
I did absolutely everything in my power to create the Norman Rockwell gathering that was pictured in my mind. I ended up with National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation! Really, it was not even that. There were a few moments where we squeezed the entire clan into the tenement-on-wheels and were able to chat briefly. We did manage to sit around a table together, outside, at a restaurant. At one point, we attempted a couple of games of “Go Fish,” which is a lot more fun with a toddler than without. In fact, we enjoyed a lot of nice moments together. In between, there was an abundance of stress, and frustration, and near Griswold-level dysfunction.
And in this moment, I am so grateful for every frustrating second of that visit. I feel ashamed for how weary the stress of the month had left me. And I am embarrassed at how concerned I have been about things of little consequence.
As I contemplate the felt-injustices of life, frustrated by circumstances that feel as though will never change, I realize how very blessed I am. And I am reminded of how quickly life can change. Indeed, life on this earth is fleeting, at best.
Because while I was melting-down yesterday over being turned down for a job for which I’d applied, I was reminded of a childhood acquaintance whose story I’d recently stumbled onto. And I took some time to pray and to express my gratitude to my loving heavenly Father. Yeah, there’s some dysfunction in my camp, but right now we are all healthy. Meanwhile, this acquaintance sits in a hospital with family and friends as his young adult child fights for his life. But for a miracle, this family will face the unthinkable. And my heart breaks for them.
And I am reminded that what I consider to be hard is, in fact, not hard at all. My house may be small. My finances may be tight. I may face a little professional rejection. My family may not see eye-to-eye on everything, and we may never have a proper Hallmark-movie-worthy family gathering. I may not spend time with my son again for many months, and my grandson will likely be quite a bit older when next I can wrap my arms around him.
I suspect that there are many families out there that would gladly trade places with me. There are surely families who would wait happily for months or years to see their sons, if it meant that they would see their sons again in this life. Some would gladly trade their big fancy houses for my little trailer if their loved ones were alive and able to come visit.
It’s not Christmas time, but I’m having a bit of a “George Bailey” moment, realizing that it really is a wonderful life that I have. I am so incredibly blessed today, and I pray that when truly difficult days come, that I will remember then that I am still blessed. Circumstances change, but my God remains. He is faithful in ALL the circumstances.
So, yeah, I can be kind of stupid, as the writer of the proverb observed to be common to man; and I often lack understanding. But I’m feeling a bit less weary, and a lot more grateful. And I pray that along the way, just maybe, I’ll learn a bit more wisdom.
Wisdom tells me that perhaps the solution to being weary and worn out is simple gratitude. I’m certainly going to give it a try.
…Just a thought…
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